Here, on the outskirts of Montreal, we’ve just gone through a coolish summer, the warmest September, and so far, a beautiful October. The leaves are just starting to fall off the trees and we’re heading into a 3-day weekend for Thanksgiving. My next birthday – which will place me on the other side of my mid-30s – is just around the corner.
It’s Saturday morning and I should be sleeping, but I find my mind buzzing. Which it seems to be doing a lot lately. About changing seasons, how fast time is passing, the many roles I play, and the people I’m doing life with – family, friends, colleagues, neighbours. About all the things I’m working on, trying to do, excelling at, failing at; how life has changed, how I have changed… and the still small voice inside that keeps reminding me to do certain things better “slow down, live in the moment, be where I am, take time for self care, love my people better,…”
Sometime in the last year or so, there’s been a shift. Around me. In me. I can feel it but I can’t quite define it. I feel like we have transitioned into a new season of our life. Some things have simply changed. Some things seem more simple and clear. And some, more difficult.
- Mid-30s. Our youngest starting kindergarten. Starting to give the girls increasing freedom and responsibility. Realizing how young we still are. Rediscovering some of our own freedom but also new, uncharted parenting challenges. (We went to open houses for high school this year. High school.)
- Starting a new job. Again! It’s an exciting one, but a little outside my comfort zone. I’m working hard to get it right.
- Acknowledging that yes, my job is important to me. That this doesn’t make me a bad wife, mother and friend.
- Coming to terms with the fact that there aren’t enough hours in a day… learning (and re-learning) that I can’t do everything… that not everything needs to be done TODAY. That sometimes you need to close things up and walk away.
- Understanding that I will forever struggle to find balance (and figuring out how to quiet my mind when I can’t).
- Knowing…and accepting who I am, outside and inside, more than I have in years. Learning to truly love myself, owning my strengths, qualities and attributes… but my imperfections, weaknesses and slip ups too. Trying not to over-analyze and over-think everything. Trying. Deciding that if I want something, I don’t have to wait for everyone else to want it too.
- Saying yes when my heart says yes.
- And saying no. Learning that I don’t have to be who “they” want me to be. That sometimes you can’t fix what’s been broken. Deciding to be okay with it and move on.
- Redefining my worldview, my rules, my beliefs… from my current perspective.
- Forever breaking promises to myself to exercise more regularly.
Life right now is…different. My surroundings are changing… Life is changing… I’m… changing. I think it’s good. BUT…The struggle for balance is real. I need to be more intentional in certain areas. I think the list above shows where. I may be more accepting and confident in who I am in this season, but I am most certainly a messy work in progress at the same time. Aren’t we all.