The words escape me…

I want to write again.

It seems like a pretty simple thing, no?

The problem is… every time I sit down and start working on a post my thoughts go in a million different directions. Family, love, religion, school, friendships, success, career, struggles, exercise, food, fashion, home decor, wine,… what to do with all this bloody Easter chocolate that there is no way I’m letting the girls eat every last bite of… no seriously, what do I do with it? 

I’m always saying “It’s been so long since my last post” and I think a part of the reason is because I think every post should be complete… tell a specific story… explain a thought or perspective. I want to wrap that post up like a present and offer it to you. Maybe even get you to feel something, laugh, be inspired… or simply relate to whatever I’m sharing.

But these days I lack FOCUS. And that is an understatement.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit down…. hammer out exactly what’s on my mind… and share it with whoever feels inclined to read.

Why? I don’t know. I have this strange need to share myself… my dreams, my fears, my struggles, my successes… and I have this constant desire to put words together and throw them out there. The internet provides easy way to do that.

But it’s not easy for me to find the words these days. The last several months have been hard. Nothing serious, life threatening or anything like that. My struggles are those of someone living with all my needs met, living a life of privilege and abundance, security, and love… of someone who thought she had a “perfect” plan, returning to work part time, returning to school part time, sending the little ones to daycare part time… The pieces of the puzzle seemed to fit together… BUT… they were squeezed so tightly that there was just too much pressure on the seams and the pieces simply couldn’t stay where they were supposed to. Frick.

So now.. I want to write and share… but I don’t know where to begin.

Some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately…?

How this past year was not the year I planned…? How my choices made it a much busier and more difficult year? How I realized that I really don’t have it together…? And how I just had to take it one day at a time for a while…? How my social life and friendships suffered…? How I would sometimes stare at the computer screen as I worked and ask myself why… I had so many other things I could be doing? How I felt the physical symptoms of stress and possibly even a taste of overload for the first time…? Shortness of breath… visualizing myself tucked into a safe hole somewhere waiting for the storm to pass – but – oh wait… this storm was a storm of my choosing and NO WAY would I quit now(!) How I lost control over my grocery budget and flyer shopping (which sounds silly but it was a little thing that I was really quite proud of) because I just didn’t have time to plan…? How I regret the cottage trips and Saturdays that I missed with family because I was “too busy”? How I somehow managed to continue exercising (albeit less) because I just knew that it would feed my energy and I heard somewhere (probably a CJAD interview – lol) that it would help my brain work better? How I really want to get back to where I was physically last summer…? How I wish that I could be more pragmatic about the physical changes that resulted from carrying 3 babies… but how insecure and perplexed I am with the mess of scars that now cover my abdomen – no matter how strong and toned it might get…? How I actually went for a plastic surgery consultation and no, I haven’t closed the door on the possibility yet.

Or more positively… because it’s not all “questions”, “failure” or “regret”… not by any means.

Like… How I really loved learning again and being in a classroom setting at this point in my life – not because I know so much – but because I’m not scared of saying the wrong thing as much I used to be. How certain people went out of their way to help me and encourage me. How I learned the incredible power of positive reinforcement and recognition from unexpected places. How my husband, Brandon, has been an incredible source of strength and love… and how we somehow seem to have gotten closer in this busy season of our lives. How I have the most incredible daughters… and they happen to think I’m the best mom in the world (Ha! I’ll put that one in my pocket for when they can’t stand me later in life!!) and they were so happy for me (and for themselves, I’m sure) when I handed in my final paper a couple weeks ago… or even how our dog has turned out to be one of the best dogs ever and she fits into our lives quite perfectly… go figure. How I still love love love the result of the renos we did last Fall – sometimes I still just sit and look at the kitchen (which is really not fancy at all… but white, fresh and bright) and breathe a sigh of I just love it, it just feels right :-)… my arm hurting for days after grouting the back-splash was definitely worth it!

Moving forward and beyond this busy season; knowing that I’m not finished yet but that the process is going to change and (hopefully) become easier to manage (if for no other reason than that I think I will be able to focus more easily); I can say that I am proud of what I’ve manage to get done, happy with what I’ve learned and honestly – feeling unbelievably motivated to push forward and… FINISH. THIS. THING.

The puzzle pieces are coming together again… and I will try to share more about what that means when things become more official… more real. My fingers and toes are crossed that this puzzle won’t be squeezed quite as tightly as the last… and I am already unbelievably grateful for the support, help and encouragement that is coming together to make it all work out the way I think I want it to… sigh… I am fortunate. I really am. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

With all this said (and still so much left unsaid – I am a complex over-analytic girl – seriously) – I have learned a lot about myself in the last several months. Because of what I’ve learned, about myself, about the world I work in, the people that surround me… I feel more confident, stronger and better equipped for the future in many ways. I still have lots of questions. I’m still restless and so unsure of some things. I still have some old hurts that I really need to let go of… but a few key moments in the last few months have renewed my hope… my drive… my desire to do exceptional and meaningful work… my notion of “possibilities” is steadily growing and that is a good great feeling.

…Well there you go.. I guess not ALL the words escaped me 😉

A.

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